If only things were different
by anathalea
Summary: a revised version of Lioness Rampant
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer:  
Yeah none of these characters are mine, they're all Tamora Pierce's. I use some direct quotes at times.  
  
This is just my romantic wishful thinking. I'll just re-write bits of Lioness Rampant, the parts I leave out you can fill in for yourself.  
  
In Myles's house, late at night, the library. THE BIG REUNION!!  
  
"You should've waited." Alanna recognised George's lilt. "She fell asleep in her chair, poor thing. She's weary. They all are."  
"And there's little rest for my lady knight here." Jonathon sighed.  
"Does he know she's back?"  
"He knows, I just don't - what?"  
George came out and bowed to Alanna, indicating that she should go into the library. Pushing her inside he closed the door, leaving her alone with Jon.  
He stood before the hearth, cradling Faithful. She's forgotten he was a head taller than she. His black clothes emphasised his sapphire eyes; his moustache and hair were blacker than his velvet tunic. She looked at his elegantly carved mouth and straight nose thinking, "Jon's still the most handsome man I've ever seen - and that includes Roger!" He'd changed since their angry parting. His face had stubborn lines, and there was a seriousness about him she liked.  
"Alanna!" he breathed, stepping away from the fire. "You don't know what it means to see you home again!" His eyes filled suddenly. "He killed himself Alanna. He made it look like a hunting accident but I wasn't. oh, gods. Why did I have to lose both of them?" he covered his face with his hands and cried.  
Deeply moved she wrapped her arms around his neck and let him hold her tight, weeping herself.  
"I've missed you so much!" she whispered once his breathing had steadied again. He sighed.   
"I have to know: do you really have the jewel?" he made no effort to pull away from her.  
"I can get it if you want." She offered, her head tucked neatly under his chin.  
"Not yet, alright? This is so comfortable. It's been almost a year since I held you remember?" he sighed and sat, drawing her onto his lap. She curled up contentedly. He kissed the top of her glossy hair.  
"Keep it safe for now. I need to think of a way to present it suitably. You don't know how much it means to be able to tell people we have the Dominion Jewel. Perhaps it will stop the rumours of a curse."  
She turned her head up and smiled. He grinned back and poked her in the side, making her squirm. "Easy enough for you to laugh!" he chided.   
A short time later George rejoined them. "All's well then?" Alanna and Jon smiled at each other. "At last" George sighed. "It never felt right when you two were on the outs with each other." He served up tea for all three.  
Jon raised his Copper Isle Red Griffen in a toast. "To old friends, the best friends!"  
"So mote it be." Alanna replied.  
"Hear hear," George added.  
"Oh, I'm sorry!" a low female voice exclaimed.  
Jon's attention focused over Alanna's shoulder at Thayet. He glanced back at Alanna and she found herself wondering if the comparison was favourable.  
George drew the sleep-tousled Princess into the room. "Come in, we're just having tea," he told her, closing the door. "Take a seat."  
The King-to-be stood and raised Thayet's hand to his lips.  
"Thayet jian Wilima," George said, eyeing Alanna's amusement "May I present Jonathan of Conte."  
The Warlord's daughter curtsied just to the degree proper for a princess to greet a King - not an inch more. The gravity of the situation was spoiled when she wobbled slightly. With a giggle she sat on a nearby chair.   
"Too late at night!" she proclaimed.  
  
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A few weeks later Jonathan called a meeting of his most trusted advisors. Myles, Gary, the Provost, Duke Gareth, Duke Baird, Raoul and Alanna. Feeling uneasy Alanna went. She was unsure of her place in such a gathering. She was a knight; all the others had great responsibilities or wisdom. She didn't even hold a large fief.  
She arrived late, and they were already deep in discussion.  
"Ah, the woman of the hour!" Jon stood and led her to her seat. "Now," he addressed the whole room, "I know the sixty days to the coronation seems like a long time, but we much to do." He glanced at Duke Gareth. "I've given some thought to the appointment of a new king's champion. Uncle Gareth no longer wants it. We feel someone young should be champion. A proven warrior of course. One who is known to our people and our neighbours."  
"Jonathan." She whispered, knowing it was useless.  
"Say 'thankyou', Alanna." Myles said gently.  
She met Jon's eyes and he would give no quarter. She had earned this honour. Did she really want to refuse?  
"You said yourself you wanted to be useful." Jon pointed out.  
Alanna had to grin. Trapped by her own tongue. "Thankyou Jonathan." She whispered.  
He smiled. "You won't regret it. Or at least, I won't."  
After the meeting drew to a close Jon signalled Alanna to stay behind. He sat across from her at the table. "Please don't feel that being champion traps you in some way." He said, somewhat concerned. "I imagine you'll have all the time in the world to continue roaming."  
Alanna smiled at him. "That's good. It's not that I don't like being at home, it's just that I'll always know there are places I've never seen. I'll always be here when you need me though."  
An awkward silence descended until she asked abruptly. "Are you still courting that Princess I heard about?"  
Jonathan coughed and shook his head, somewhat embarrassed. "Josianne likes being a Princess too much. And she's cruel. She hides it well but she is." He fiddled with the papers in front of him. "Are you jealous?" he asked sharply. "I noticed you didn't waste time finding somebody to replace me. Two somebodies if you count George and Liam Ironarm."  
Alanna sneered elegantly. "I'm not jealous you idiot. I was concerned about your taste."  
Jonathan stared at the table top. "My offer of marriage stands if you want."  
Alanna's heart leapt, and her eyes filled with tears. Here it was again. That part of her that desperately, desperately, longed to say yes.   
She stood and walked around to sit on the table in front of him. He looked at her face, his expression unreadable. She bit her lip.  
"Jon, you and I lead very different lives. You were born for this kingship thing, but the very idea of it terrifies me. I love you. I love you with all my heart. But I hate your crown, and if I've learnt anything from being with Liam, it's that a relationship cannot survive if you hate an integral part of your other half. " She leaned forward and gently kissed his forehead. He reached up and grasped her hands where they rested on his shoulders.  
"I suppose I knew that all along." He whispered.   
"I can't change the way I feel." A tear trickled down her cheek. "You need a queen, and I cannot be it." She took a deep breath and plunged on. "Thayet would be a good choice. I like her, she's a royal so she won't be scared of it ... and she's beautiful ..."  
Jonathan laughed. "Not half as lovely as you." He remonstrated. He pulled her off the table, and stood to kiss her. She sighed and wished things could have been different.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
After the action, at the end of "Lioness Rampant" when Alanna has run away to stay with the Bazhir.  
  
In the second week of October, Thayet and Buri came to the Bloody Hawk, escorted by a squad of the King's Own. Alanna thought she might know what had brought them there, but Thayet seemed in no hurry to come to the point.  
One night, a week after she arrived, they were sitting by Alanna's tent. Alanna massaged the scars on her hands. "You aren't here because you wanted to give Buri a holiday, Thayet. And it's a long ride just to say hello."  
The Princess knotted her handkerchief. "He wanted me to know everything about you. He said I should have the story straight." Her voice was soft. "he said you refused to marry him. Several times. But I have to wonder, since you and he are so close ..."  
Alanna took the handkercief away before her friend could damage it. "We always were close, even before we were lovers. I imagine we'll always be close. But I couldn't be his queen."  
"But everyone seems to think -- when you came back ..."  
"Thayet ..." Alanna sighed.  
"If I hadn't come to Tortall ... " she whispered.   
Alanna drew a design in the sand. "Stop that. I brought you here! You're the perfect choice for queen."  
"But you're my friend!" Thayet wailed. "I can't take your man!"  
Alanna swallowed. "You aren't taking him, he's not mine." The two women smiled waterily at each other. "I'd rather it was you than someone like Delia of Eldorne!" Thayet gave a gasp of laughter, visualising the mussed lady as they had last seen her as queen. 


	2. Second Default Chapter!

Disclaimer: same as last Ch, but no quotes in this one! All 100% original.  
  
Assenting to the wedding was one thing; actually sitting through it was another, Alanna reflected sadly. She couldn't think of any excuse strong enough to keep the King's Champion from the King's wedding. So she didn't attempt to make one up. When George arrived with the news of the formal announcement of the royal betrothal, and the subsequent setting of the dates, he could immediately see in her eyes that making an appearance was not high on her agenda.   
'I'm so lucky to have George.' Alanna's thoughts circled endlessly. 'Thayet's so lucky to have Jon.' Her mind focused on the wedding again. She had given into the temptation to eavesdrop on the ceremony hours ago. At least this way she knew what was going on but had the luxury of being able to conceal her reaction from the general public. It certainly would not do to make a scene. Jon's reign was already begun with enough scandal!  
And her wedding was soon too. Alanna wondered if Jon could bear to come. Well, everything would be sealed by then. There would be no going back, no matter how much they may regret it, this was the turning point. The decision made today would last forever.  
  
Staring up into George's eyes she suddenly didn't care. This was the man who had loved her since she was fifteen. It was right that they were together - as Baron of Pirate's Swoop he was a fitting husband for a lady. Thom would have approved.  
'He did approve.' She reminded herself.   
She could feel the King's eyes on her back, and was peripherally aware that the minister was still speaking.   
"Attention span of a goldfish!" she reproved herself.  
"At least you don't eat rocks!" George muttered back, and Alanna gasped in mortification. How like her to say such a thing at her own wedding!  
The robed bishop carried on heedless, and at last she left the hall as the Lady of Pirate's Swoop.  
Thayet gestured to a seat beside her as Alanna entered the great hall for their wedding feast.   
"Alanna, I'm so happy for you!" she exclaimed again, but this time Alanna could actually hear the sincerity. Or perhaps she could really see why getting married was a good thing. Before the wedding she had only agreed to George's proposal because without him, there was no one else for her. But this sensation ... she was a married woman!  
Jon beamed at her. "I can tell what you're thinking." He commented. "Your face reads like a book." He clasped her hand, his eyes warm. "I'm truly glad to see you happy at last."  
  
Alanna's amethyst eyes sparkled with suppressed joy. Jonathan felt a stab of envy as he saw George's hand resting on the woman's knee. Thayet leaned across the table to speak to Geoffrey of Meron. Her slender back shielded the painful view of his two closest friends from his line of sight. His queen. Watching her in action, helping him soothing court discontents and meting out justice to Tirragen and Eldorn traitors, he had come to admire her for her mind as well as her beauty. Of course, there was always going to be more to her then just a pretty - stunning! - face, for her to become friends with Alanna.   
He supposed this was really the best ending to such a twisted situation. Nevertheless he would miss having Alanna at his fireside.  
  
"Jonathan!" Gary snapped at his King. "Highness, I asked you to look over these. I am quite certain you do not take half an hour to read one page."  
"Yes, you are quite right." Jonathan snarled, standing to leave. His conscience pricked him and he relented, reaching back to pick up the stack of figures his Prime Minister required him to oversee regularly.  
Back in his own rooms he sat and stared churlishly into the fire. Thayet tapped on his door.  
"Gary asked me to check on you." She stated plainly. Jonathan looked at her miserably. "You shouldn't let personal matters interfere with your rule." She remonstrated gently. "We may have our problems but the rest of the court must not know. Do not think that other couples endure none of these trials. They do, and they deal with it in the privacy of their own homes."  
"The entire court is mine." Jonathan felt compelled to point out. Thayet pushed his shoulder.  
"Don't be like that with me!" she replied angrily.   
"I'm sorry." Jon relented stiffly. She sat next to him slowly.  
"I can see why this is hard for you." She said softly. "You must be thinking, if only I had married Alanna in the first place ..."  
"Thayet don't!" Jon moaned. "I truly wasn't thinking like that at all. I was thinking how awful you must feel."  
"I've failed you." Thayet tried to make her voice sound steady, but in the effort it came out deep and strangled. Jon gave a snort of laughter.  
"Thet, you haven't failed me in any way." He wrapped his arms around her. "You know it could just have easily been me that was unable to have children."  
They were silent. Feeling much soothed by his apparent forgiveness, Thayet relaxed. At first their marriage had been awkward like strangers and Thayet had harboured fears that the brief months of harmony they had discovered of late were all to be lost in this new coolness towards each other. But his use of her pet name salved her wounds. This was the man she loved; they would find a way through this problem.   
  
"Jon, I need to talk to you tonight. Will you be available?" Thayet requested formally during dinner a few days later. Rather surprised, Jonathan replied that he would be. Giving a curt nod of agreement, his lady rose and left the table. No one paid attention to her abrupt departure, accustomed to their monarchs' love of privacy. But Jon was left more than a little curious.   
Closing the door behind him, he called softly. His queen appeared in the door to their private sitting room.   
"I have been thinking about our dilemma." She began, smoothing her skirt nervously. Jon stilled her fidgeting hands and settled next to her.  
"You need an heir. That is the first obligation of a queen - to give her king an heir." She took a steady breath, refusing to look at her husband's face.  
"I want you to find another woman to do it for you."  
He wasn't surprised. It was the obvious step to take. The only unexpected thing was that Thayet had reached that conclusion before him. To so readily agree to be replaced ... he sighed.  
"I know."   
She finally started to cry. It was such a relief to at last see her break down, she'd been so strong through all of this. He put aside the question of the mother of the heir for the time being. 


	3. Guess!

Disclaimer: ditto ditto blah blah  
  
Jon was prepared to agree with whatever Thayet suggested. His mind shifted uneasily at the thought of even daring to suggest a woman. Who knew what suspicions that would arouse? But when Thayet's first suggestion was the Lioness, all his good intentions evaporated. He could not help but baulk at the idea of sleeping with his ...  
His what? Soul mate? HA - Alanna was nothing more than his Champion, and he wanted to keep it that way. Asking her to bear his child would not only disrupt her life (she and George had delayed having children) but it would open old wounds, and stir up strife in her relationship with George. Not to mention Jon's relationship with George. He grinned in the darkness at the memory of their old friendly rivalry behind Alanna's back. He had won that bout, but he did not want to win again. He did not want to TRY to win her - no, life was complicated enough without bringing Alanna into the equation.  
"I will NOT have you seducing just any old kitchen hand Jonathan!" Thayet protested when he refused Alanna.   
"Alanna isn't the only noble woman in Tortall Thayet!" he retorted. "Lady Cythera for example would be ..."  
Thayet stared at him blankly. "I was giving you an easy way out of this Jon. I know you still love Alanna, and I thought you would prefer to do this with someone who wasn't an utter stranger to you."  
"And I'm offering you an easier way out. I wouldn't think you would like to think of me sleeping with a woman I love, when there's the option of it being with a woman that means nothing to me." Jon patiently countered.  
"And I don't want our ... son to be conceived in a meaningless relationship." Her quiet statement closed the argument. For the time being.  
  
They put the matter aside, burying their heads like ostriches. (A/N - do they have ostriches?) It wasn't until nearly a year later that they were forced to confront the situation again.  
The call to hunt was not an uncommon occurrence in the balmy June days. As King, Jon was not expected to participate, but as Knight, he wanted to.   
Thayet often joined him with her riders but on this particular day he rode out alone with half the able men at court. Darkness strode out eagerly, despite his growing number of years. As the hunt progressed, they bagged a couple of woodpigeons and a cantankerous old boar. Another sighting was sounded off to the left, but Jon let Darkness continue on his own track. They had found enough glory for one hunt.  
He slipped one foot over the saddle in a comfortable position he had discovered several years ago when he was training as a squire.  
His peace was disturbed by a panicked whinny from Darkness. The black stallion dumped his rider and sped away from the hissing snake emerging from the underscrub. Knocked unconscious, Jonathan lay where he fell until frantic searchers recovered him hours later.  
No serious harm was done, but it served as an ominous reminder of his mortality. The question of an heir was raised by several of his advisors. He needed an heir. If he died without one, there was no clear succession to the throne. Tortal would be thrown back into war.  
  
Several weeks after the accident, Alanna arrived back at court. Suspicious, he looked to his wife. Thayet did not deny summoning the lady knight. It looked like matters were to be brought to a head. 


	4. i never intended for this to have chapte...

Summoned to the royal sitting rooms, Alanna waited impatiently. While she loved visiting her friends, she did not enjoy all the rigmarole court etiquette required of her. Although for the most part she was excused.  
When the three of them were at last safely ensconced in a private room, she rose carefully to kiss Thayet on the cheek, and resisted the urge to kiss Jon. She had learnt the painful way just how far she could push her self control.  
Her fidgeting fingers stilled as Thayet began telling her of their situation. The rustling silk of her hot pink dress became clammy under her hands. Why was this information coming to her ... as friend of course, she was obliged to lend her support to the queen - well, it was no obligation surely. She wouldn't dream of letting Thayet struggle through this on her own.  
Yet Jon's direct gaze and grave manner was disturbing her. No, scaring her. She hated being afraid. Angry tears filled her eyes and her heart beat quickened. Looking back later she realised she knew what was coming.  
Thayet's eyes filled with answering tears.   
"I'm so sorry, I hate to ask this of you." Thayet said after the news was broken to her. "It's completely unfair, and you shouldn't have to be involved."  
Alanna knew she shouldn't feel so bad about refusing. She could tell from Jon's relieved expression he was expecting it. It was Thayet's face she couldn't read.   
She left the meeting feeling lower than she ever had - even after killing Roger.  
  
It had taken much persuasion to get Alanna to come out riding with him. She had avoided both him and Thayet since they had asked her to help them, now over a week past.   
But here they were, the slight knight perched daintily on her tall mount. To look at her one would never guess she could kick his ass in the practise courts. She smiled pertly.  
"Finished staring?" she asked, kicking her horse into a canter. He had no choice but to follow.  
The ride loosened both of them up. It was such a release to be alone with his ex-squire - they hadn't for a very long time. For a while he couldn't make himself bring up the subject of his heir.  
In the end she did it for him.   
They were sitting on the ground leaning against their saddles, drinking from flasks they had with them.  
"I won't do it, Jon." She stated firmly. "So stop trying to force me to."  
He opened his mouth to protest. She covered it.  
"I didn't sweat blood for seven years just to become a surrogate mother to your children - even if I was married to you I wouldn't do it. And I'm quite sure your advisors would not agree to your taking me. It's treason to sleep with the king right? Just name a successor why don't you? It's not done often, but you could manage it. Besides, George is already jumpy about you and me still being so close. How would he feel if I had your son? Our marriage is tenuous as it is, and I will not risk it. Truth be told, we'd fall apart if something that big came between us.  
"And I have to admit I'm concerned about your relationship with Thet! Was it you who suggested me?"  
"No, it was Thayet. And I think it was done out of love for me. Alanna, you're the obvious choice. The Trebond family is as prestigious as any in Tortall, you're a friend of Thet's. And most of all, I feel comfortable with you." He took a shaky breath.   
"Alanna please do this for us. We'll find a way to get around George. He need never know." He paused at her disbelieving expostulation. "You wouldn't show until you're at least three months in, and then I am sure I can send George off on an assignment."  
"But what about ..." she began.  
"We'll work out the details later. I'll think on it." He squeezed her arm. "Don't worry about your marriage. Everything can be ok."  
  
And it looked like everything would be! Thayet had taken her riders out for a few days, leaving Jon and Alanna alone. This made Alanna a bit nervous. What if someone got suspicious? But she couldn't blame Thayet for wanting to be as far away as possible. She couldn't imagine the torture she must be going through, waiting it out in the depths of the royal forest.  
On the other hand, Alanna couldn't deny that she enjoyed the days alone with the King. It was like the good old days when they lived together as squire and knight. It all came to an end far too soon when the Queen's Riders returned.  
And then it was a matter of waiting. She returned to Pirate's Swoop, greeted by an exuberant George. He was handling the affairs of a barony admirably. She was constantly surprised at his aptitude for honest life, after so many years of being the Rouge. Yet truth to tell, he was better at it than she was, despite her years of practise of looking after Trebond after her father's death.  
She couldn't help but feel guilty. Although there was nothing to worry about - Jon had finalised his plans. George would never find out. As soon as the baby began to show, she was to send to Jon who would in turn invent some excuse for George to go away. There was trouble brewing in Carthak, so that was a likely place. Alanna shivered at the thought of being away from her husband for so long. And so far away!  
She would go to join Jon and Thayet in Corus, staying out of sight with an 'illness'. On the few occasions she needed to appear in public she could use her gift to put an illusion on herself so that anyone looking at her would see a slim young woman, not a waddling whale of a girl. Alanna chuckled. She had always abhorred the thought of being so fat, but now she was carrying a child, she was almost excited.  
Thayet on the other hand would also stay out of sight, once Alanna began to show. Because the two women were similarly built, Jon reasoned that he could judge how rapidly her pregnancy would progress, and put an illusion on his wife accordingly. All at court would see a healthy glowing pregnant queen.  
It all sounded far too simple. 


	5. yay! i finally got around to another one...

A/N yes I know I may not have all my facts straight in this chapter but I'm the author, whateva I say goes. So NER! And I know that Roald was the oldest. I'm changing things to suit my version of the story. Complain all you like I don't care.  
  
George slammed the door to his office and paced angrily once around the room before throwing himself into the chair by the fire opposite hers. Alanna eyed his bowed head apprehensively. He wasn't taking it well.  
"George?" she ventured.  
His fingertips dug deeper into the side of his head, then he made a visible effort to relax. His eyes met hers accompanied by an audible sigh.   
"Somedays ..." he said in a forcibly calm tone, "I find it difficult to fully appreciate the bond we have to our esteemed king."  
That was it? Alanna relaxed. He wasn't as angry as she had assumed.   
"He has asked me to head the 'expedition' to Carthak." George explained ruefully. "I had hoped we would have at least one summer together in our marriage. So far my wishes have gone unheeded." He placed his hand on her jaw line and smiled. "I fear I will be gone a long time, dear heart. I would sooner stay here with you, I assure you! I even requested that you be included in this venture, but the King was adamant that you should stay. By all appearances you and I will both be kept busy over this long summer."  
Alanna silently let out a sigh of relief. She had feared that George would see through the story. He had been suspicious lately about her health ... thinly veiled investigations had followed her for the past month or so. Well, observation had been his key to living for many years. Just because he no longer had to be constantly on the alert to survive did not mean that he stopped noticing things. And the fact that his wife was pregnant was a little hard to miss. She had kept it secret as best she could, but had decided she was reaching her limits, and it was time for him to go away.  
  
Preparations were made for his journey to Carthak, and hers to Corus. She had expected a teary farewell, but his fervent words surprised her completely.  
"Alanna, I want you to know that I'll come back here at your slightest need. Whatever happens, know that I'll come running at the drop of a hat. Okay?" he stooped slightly to see her face better. "Promise me you'll call the moment you need me." He shook her slightly. "Promise!"  
There was something in his eyes she didn't like. He knew. He knew she was pregnant, and thought she was hiding it because she was angry about it, or wished it would go away if she ignored it. She wouldn't blame him for thinking that. She herself had always assumed that being pregnant would be the worst thing that could ever happen to her, and the old Alanna would have reacted by hiding the truth until a solution could be found. He thought she was trying to keep it from him because she didn't want to believe it, that it was just a matter of time before she realised it was true and she needed him. That was the scenario he was fearing, and why he'd been so angry that Jon was sending him away.  
Still, there was nothing she could say to assure him. All she could do was nod and smile dumbly. "You know I know that!"  
  
At the palace she was greeted warmly by a calm Thayet, and settled into a suit of rooms on the same level as the royal rooms. Her friend waited until the serving boy had left before turning anxiously to tell her to sit down and put her feet up. Normally such fussing would irritate the knight beyond reason, but lately she'd been feeling the effects of sustaining two bodies. She was often tired and frequently queasy, particularly in the presence of such foods as bacon and gravy and rich puddings. Back at Pirate's Swoop she had had to hide these sensations and stomach whatever food was placed before her. It would be a relief to refuse any foods that offended her.   
Later that evening Gary and Raoul came to see her. Raoul twirled his moustache and commented dryly that she was looking peaky. She flipped him out of his chair with a quick double-handed blow she had learned from Liam.   
"Still think I'm off-colour?" she teased from her lofty position. The conversation turned from there into an all-out brawling session, the sort that they used to engage in as squires. At last they collapsed laughing on her bed, to reminisce at great length about the good old days late into the night. 


	6. sixth default chapter

Raoul's observation turned out to work in their favour. As her 'sickness' progressed she spent more and more time locked away in her rooms with only Jon or Thayet there to keep her company. When it became known that the queen was expecting, the palace healer, Duke Baird, had to do examinations. If Alanna was feeling up to it, she would take Thayet's place, doing a complex charm to make the Duke see Thayet rather than Alanna. This had the advantage that she would still get a check up, whereas with the other option (putting the illusion on Thayet) it was just a useless exercise, because there was nothing wrong with Thayet. However, being with child was doing funny things to Alanna's stamina. She had never thought she could feel so ill.  
Plus, being cooped up inside was making her go stir-crazy. On this particular day she was sitting in her customary perch on the windowsill, staring out longingly over the inner courtyard. It could amuse one for almost half an hour watching the hostlers walking out the guests' horses.  
There was a soft knock on the door and Jon's voice asking to come in. She got painfully to her feet and waddled over to unlock the door. The King was standing waiting, with a tray carrying her favourite herbal tea and some plain crackers. On most days that was all her stomach could handle until after midday. Jon always found time out of his busy day to amuse her. While the rest of the court just saw this as normal behaviour, one friend entertaining a sick friend, Alanna and he both knew that their time alone was deeper than that.  
He took one look at her fed up face and almost laughed.  
"Yes I know. This is one aspect of the plan that I didn't fully consider." He gave her a quick hug. "Drink up then we'll go for a ride. Duke Baird did say you as sick-Alanna and you as pregnant-Thayet should get some fresh air."  
She ate quickly, her spirits lightened considerably by the prospect. But when it came to actually mounting up, she took one look at Moonlight and promptly changed her mind. On second thoughts, sitting astride a horse - no matter how small - would not be the most comfortable thing. She said as much to Jonathan and they agreed that a walk through the Royal Forest would be as good for her.   
She enjoyed a pleasant morning alone with her best friend and lover, content that here at least, he was hers.   
Their morning strolls became a ritual after that, Jon often putting aside far more pressing matters. If he couldn't, then Thayet would take her. She should technically have been able to go with Raoul or Gary, but she was discovering that her Gift was not as reliable as it once was. It also tired her quickly and usually by the time she returned to her rooms, Jon had to supplant her illusion with his own Gift.  
But even with these daily outings, her time alone was almost intolerable. After a month of her almost constant tetchiness and occasional outbursts of frustration (generally directed at him) Jon decided it could not hurt to let one more person in on the secret.   
Sir Myles of Olau was the obvious choice. He was more a father to her than her paternal father ever had been, and he had already proven he could keep a secret. For years he had known, or at least suspected, that the squire Alan was really a girl. Yet he had patiently waited until the day of her Ordeal of Knighthood to be told.   
When Myles entered the room and saw her he did not at first notice her increased size. But as soon as she stood to greet him, the folds of her shirt could not conceal the fact that she was ... fat. He merely raised his eyebrows and waited for an explanation from either Jon or her.  
"It's mine." Jon stated plainly, and the possessive edge to his voice was there for all to hear. Alanna winced was privately glad that Thayet wasn't there to hear it. As wonderful as she had been about the whole thing, she was still patently jealous.  
"Ahh." Myles smiled. "Thus all the secrecy. You must be, what three months along?"  
"Over four." Alanna corrected him, proud of his ability to connect the dots. He would be a good companion for her. So she proceeded to explain the situation, with a bit of input from Jon. While Myles was not exactly pleased with the circumstances, he could see that it was a reasonable solution, and was thrilled that he was about to be a grandfather. 


	7. new chapter title

A/N - I'm sorry! I've had exams and stuff to deal with ... PLUS, I'm not really sure where I want the story to go. I will try to fudge it though. Here goes ...  
  
Alanna eyed her son in Thayet's arms. Roald was a happy healthy bouncing baby of three months, and this was the first time she had laid eyes upon him since his birth. George was enthusiastically pumping Jon's hand.   
"Congratulations old chap!" he laughed. As was the custom between the two men, all formality was forgotten when out of the public eye.   
Jon evasively skirted the issue of another child, turning his shoulders slightly aside from Alanna and his wife sitting by the window with the baby. All three of them knew that it would be the prudent course of action, but the King was loath to risk irritating Thayet without good reason.   
Alanna clearly recalled her conversations with George on their journey to Corus. He had been unusually contrite about his absence, saying only that he was sorry he had been away while she was so sick. When she made no response to this he pulled over her horse as well as his.  
"What's going on?" he asked bluntly. "You've barely talked to me since we set out this morning. In fact, I think I have hardly had a proper conversation with you since I got back from Carthak!"  
She swallowed nervously, half-tempted to brush it all off. But as the words formed in her mouth her husband shook his head sharply.  
"I want the straight truth Alanna."  
Her gaze shifted to the kreeling birds drifting like wayward kites against the horizon. So much beauty in her world. George's chiselled profile against the glaring white sunlight and faded-blue sky. This was the man she loved.  
"Thayet was ill for almost as long as I was." She kneed her horse forward as she explained. "It was hard on Jon, and hard on her as well." she looked at the handsome young man riding beside her. "I watched their marriage faltering in those months. They had reached an uneasy truce by the time I came back to Pirates but I dread seeing them again lest they be unhappy. Much can change in 2 months." From her lowered lashes she could barely see how George took this swift fabrication. Although all that she said was carefully truth (his Sight made it almost impossible to lie to him) she knew that that was not what was coming between them.  
"Yes, much can change in a very short time." George squeezed her hand and said no more. An icy pit of fear formed in her stomach, and stayed there, small and cold throughout the rest of their journey.  
  
Seeing Jon and her son raised her spirits. He was so young and vibrant. For a while she could ignore the sudden silences and the still frostiness in the air between conversations. As surely as summer turned to autumn, so was the royal marriage was failing.   
After a few days even George's false heartiness began to wane. A sharp-toothed edge had come between the four friends. Jon and Thayet were the best of friends - they were the skilled and crafty wielders of all the power in Tortall. With Thayet's shrewd advice Jon had brought the country back from the brink of disaster in the years succeeding his coronation. But even George could tell that any love there once was between the two of them was now no more than a memory. It was a situation not uncommon among ruling monarchs. That there had ever been any romance in the royal marriage was an enigma. Most kings married for profit not love - it had been considered great good fortune that in King Jonathan's case the two prerogatives had coincided. It was no great tragedy that there was discord now. Jonathan's sense of duty was enough to hold the union - they were still, after all, quite close to each other.  
That was the opinion of the King's advisors anyway. His friends' common sense agreed with this, but on a more personal level it was distressing to behold. And embarrassing for Alanna. Roald and Gary suspected what Myles already knew - that the whole situation had something to do with her. To her relief, her name was left out of public discussions at least. 


	8. 8

"You know this can't go anywhere, don't you?" Jon swallowed noisily, his arms around her tightening slightly.   
Alanna grinned sardonically. "I would think from this position it looks like it already has gone somewhere!" she lifted her head slightly off his bare chest to look into his face. It remained serious.  
She bit her lip and tickled his stomach. "But I do know that it can't become anything ... committed." She relented and rolled away. There was silence in Jon's bedroom. Neither wished to voice what they were thinking. Alanna stared out the window dolefully. This affair had been going on for weeks now, and she was not altogether assured that Thayet and George didn't know.  
Fluttering gently at the heavy panes of glass, the flimsy curtains flapped in the tenuous breeze. Through their thin weave seeped the early light, shining faint and pale into the shadowy interior. She stifled a sob. The very thought of George made her stomach clench in guilt and fear. He loved her, had always loved her. But she had betrayed him. And not just once.  
He loved her so much that he would turn a blind eye to what was happening.   
A warm arm crept around her waist. Jon held her silently as she wept.   
  
He felt helpless. He knew he should never have agreed to have a child with Alanna. It had always been too close to his heart. Hard as it had been to turn his attentions away from desperately begging Alanna to forgive him, take him back, after that terrible fight in the Bloody Hawk tribe, he had done it. And had thought that he had at last found real solace in his foreign Princess. She was everything Alanna was not.   
Which meant that Alanna was also everything Thayet was not.  
He could handle his own marriage falling apart. His wife was a great companion, and they had discovered at last that they could work well as best friends. But if Alanna's marriage disintegrated there was no law to forbid them leaving each other. The delicate balance that had been reached would teeter and fall. Alanna would be all alone.  
  
The clatter and chinking of silverware on plates was the brittle conversation the passed between the two couples. Silence hung like wet washing in the air, dripping its poison into their hearts. Thayet and Jon passed an uneasy look at each other. They had discussed this before dinner, but now the moment had come uncertainty rang in their hearts.  
In the end it was George who broached the topic.   
He put down his knife with a soft chink, and leaned his elbows forward onto the table. "While I have all of you here, I'd like to ask you a question, and I want you to answer it with complete honesty."  
All movement ceased in the room.  
"Jon and Alanna, you're sleeping together aren't you." It was a statement, not a question. But at Jon's curt nod, George realised he hadn't truly believed it until that moment. One last glance at his wife's slender form bent over her food, avoiding his eyes, everyone's eyes.   
He scraped his chair back and rose. He couldn't quite mask the hatred that glinted in his eyes as he took his leave of his King. With controlled calm he strode out of the hall, aware of the sticky stillness that descended behind him.   
  
A/N Thanks to all my reviewers! Hang in there, I WILL finish this.   
I have one other request, and it's quite off the topic. I have to write a 6-8 thousand word story for school and it has to be REALLY good. That's all ok, except I have trouble coming up with original storylines. So, if any of you readers out there have a plot bubbling in the back of your mind that you don't have the inclination to write for yourself, send it to me! It can be a 3-line suggestion (as a review) or if you want to go all out, send me a big long synopsis with character outlines and everything as an email to shimmajimma@hotmail.com  
Thank you very much! ^_^ When it's finished, I'll post it on here so you can read the final product.   
Ana 


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